As I Stand, Packing

Yes, packing.  It sucks.  It sucks muchly...  PS:  Love this photo.

Yes, packing. It sucks. It sucks muchly… PS: Love this photo.

I packed all my bags this evening.  This makes me sad.  Not because my bags are packed, leaving me nothing to worry about not getting done for the next day and a half, certainly, but because it means that I’m really basically finished here in Japan.

While packing I thought about a lot of things.  How I’m not the same person I once was.  How my sphere of friends has now expanded (ironically) to include most of the US, and almost none of Japan. ^_^  But the friends I made here have become like family to me.  I have my family, and I have friends back home who are like family, and now I have a third family that met up in Japan, and almost all of us are returning home to our respective states…  Washington, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Wisconsin…  All over the map.

Also I will miss a lot of the simpler things – smaller proportions, some of the stupid things Japan does, trains, yen, having a reason to speak Japanese to people around me…  Don’t get me wrong, I miss my home in Colorado very much, and I love everyone there and miss them all dearly… but I love my home here, too, with my friends here.  So it is a bittersweet thought, packing.

Leaving home for Japan wasn’t bad at all, because I knew that I would be returning within a year’s time, and that all would be well.  But I don’t know when I can come back here to Japan.  I don’t know when I will be with ALL of my new friends again.  Sure, we’re going to conventions together, but perhaps not all of us to them.  Sure, we have Skype for chatting, but you can’t get the energy from being AROUND them and able to move amongst each other.

On the one hand I have changed a great deal.  On the other, I am still the same person that everyone knows and loves.  I confuse even myself with this.  It’s just… not fun.

Tomorrow we head out to Disney Sea, a neighboring theme park to Tokyo Disneyland, which we went to two weeks ago.  We’re going to have a blast, and then we’re doing a final all-night karaoke marathon that will kick major ass.  Then at around 5 in the morning we head home, get a few final precious hours of sleep, followed by hiking our baggage out to the airport and awaiting flights.  There’s no time left.  Anything else we wanted to do will not get done, and any savoring we wish we could have more of will have to be left unsatisfied.  The week before finals’ week time couldn’t move fast enough and we all wished we were home already.  Now that finals are over, time is moving entirely too quickly, and freaking us all out.  A funny thing, Time.  ^_^  Don’t even get me started on my plans for when I get back to America.

Here’s a preview:

  1. Wash clothes.
  2. Sit down.
  3. Cry.
  4. Wash clothes. (Yes, again!)
  5. Call friends from home.
  6. Eat food with friends, and try to feel happy.
  7. Sleep in the presence of central air-conditioning.

And then I take things as they come…  ^_^

What Have You Done to Me, Japan?!?

There are some times when you just go crazy, and others when you see that you have gone crazy.  Judging by the fact that I have no idea what relation this image has to what I’m writing, I deem that it must be the former of those two options.

There are some times when you just go crazy, and others when you see that you have gone crazy. Judging by the fact that I have no idea what relation this image has to what I’m writing, I deem that it must be the former of those two options.

I have a friend who helps me sometimes put my life into perspective.  That is, he’s a crazy, crazy guy, and that helps me to remember that I maybe am not as crazy as I sometimes fear.  Sometimes, I’m more crazy, but not usually. ^_^  This guy, by the way, is going to get murdered when he goes back to America, because he says a lot of things based around the fact that, if you speak fast, slur your speech, or use incredibly formal/informal English, nobody around you actually understands what you’re saying.  And he gets rather vocally frustrated at various things from time to time.  And sometime after returning to America, we just KNOW he’s going to let lose with one of these vocal tirades, and, well, see, in America, most everyone DOES understand English, which is going to get him into trouble.  A lot of trouble.

I present this anecdote not to berate him, because the things he says are often funny beyond belief, but rather as an example of one of the things that Japan does to you. ^_^;;

You see, when in a country where nobody REALLY understands your native language unless you use simple, common words and speak extra-clearly, you sometimes get into bad habits.  You have the liberty of saying things whenever you want, which is refreshing in a culture which limits the things you are allowed to DO, but sometimes a little disturbing when you realize that you’ve been swearing like a sailor in front of a mom and her 5-year-old at a crosswalk, and then a little refreshing again when you realize, Oh, right, they didn’t understand me.

Among some of the stranger things, I have always known dance instructors to be rather touchy-feely about instruction, and necessarily so in order that you can feel where your hips SHOULD be.  But in Japan, well, it’s worse than I could have imagined.  The other day at practice, they decided that everyone needed to stand up straighter, and in order to accomplish this, they deemed it necessary to stab each of the lower-classmen in the ass with their pointer fingers.  Now, I’m well aware of ‘kancho,’ but I’m also aware that this sort of thing is supposed to be limited to elementary and younger middle school students!  Not college seniors! >.<

And then, just to top off the whole, This is f*cking weird theme, at the NEXT practice, they took down one of the senpai, removed his shoes and pants and unbuttoned his shirt (forcefully, I might add) and then tossed him up into an overhead lamp a few times before dropping him back down to the ground.

One of the girls tried to be kind and stick her hand up, as if to touch the lamp, indicating that that was the lamp he was destined to hit.  I dunno, MAYBE she was trying to keep him from hitting it or something, but since girls can’t touch boys in this country (unless you’re dancing with them or teaching them to dance, in which case shoving your fingers up their patootie is totally fine), it’s a little hard to tell which was her true goal.

Seriously, Japan, what the crap?

Something that bugs me a lot here is the idea of “kimeta”, literally, “it’s been decided.”  This is one of the prime reasons for being a jerk-off in Japan.  Well, let me rephrase that.  If anyone is forced to do something stupid or is not allowed to do something intelligent and you ask those in charge “Why?” the answer will more often than not come back, “Kimeta kara.”  “Because it’s been decided.”  There need be no reason other than that.  I gotta say, I pretty much hated (with the firey passion of a thousand suns and all that) the reason “because I said so,” and this whole “kimeta” bullcrap is nothing more than the grown-up version of the same, perhaps with a little “my grand-pappy did it this way, and my father did it this way, and I did it this way, so you’re gonna’ do it this way, too” thrown in.  Y’know, for flavor. ~_^

I used to try to be a “good little gaijin,” when I first came here.  You know, I used to try to learn all of the customs, and to execute them all to the best of my ability, but now that I have been here for somewhat longer, I’ve learned that the Japanese people don’t really notice or care if you try hard to execute things the same way that they do.  In fact, I think it kind of throws them off their A-game to see a foreigner doing things as well as they do.  There’s this ‘sense’ here that Japanese people are “different” or “special” compared to the other nationals of the world, that they’re more naturally… “in tune” to some sense of Japanese… sensibilities.  While I believe this (and have OBSERVED this) not to be the case, you can’t really convince the average-Kenji on the street of this.  And so I have, partially out of increasing laze, partly out of rebellion, and partly because it makes me feel more like I’m filling in my rightful place in this society, I have begun to not care so much about some of the little details.  Things like eating food while walking someplace?  Whatever, I want to do it, I’m in an hurry, and besides, I’m a GAIJIN, so they expect me to do it wrong.  Talking on the train to friends?  Whatever, GAIJIN are always loud and obnoxious.  I think they are less thrown off when I ACT like a foreigner than when I don’t.  I think they prefer to have to struggle themselves and try to speak my VERY hard English for me than to have to endure the shame of my speaking their Japanese to them as fluently as the next guy.

…And sometimes I think I even start to believe that.  Just a little bit.

Oh, Japan, what have you done to me? ^_^;;;

Sitting in Cali

Here, I’ve only been in America for a few hours and already I miss Dancing Johan!  T_T

Here, I’ve only been in America for a few hours and already I miss Dancing Johan! T_T

Much as with going, it seems returning holds a lot of interesting thing for you that you may only be able to learn by experiencing them.  For instance, I sit here, people chatting away all around in my native language (er, English), and I find myself feeling a certain degree of sadness that I won’t be ABLE to speak Japanese to anyone for a while and be understood.  Somehow, despite the fact that I was (in my humble opinion) really bad at it, it seems that I had come to enjoy having Japanese to speak… and sometimes to hate to have to speak.  But now that, were I to speak it, nobody would have the slightest idea what I mean, I feel like I’ve lost a favorite toy, or like a family member has left and not told me where they went or something.

Something else, while passing through customs, was more or less the first time I’ve had someone I didn’t know speak to me in English in almost five months, and I was speechless for what I’m sure was not nearly as long as it felt.  He looked at me and said, “How was your trip?”  And I had to sit and think for a moment to come up with the response, “It was good.”  And that was weird.  ^_^  And he asked the purpose of my trip, to which I responded, “Exchange student… study… um… school.”  He smiled and laughed and said gingerly, “Welcome back!”  I’m not going to try to claim any degree of look-I’m-so-fluent-I-forgot-English, because that’s pretty far-fetched in any regard, perhaps barring isolation from anyone who MIGHT understand your language for a period of many years…  But it did feel strange conversing with employees in English.

PS:  This chair is gi-normous!  I mean, I’m sitting in it comfortably enjoying the space I have with it… but it’s freakin’ HUGE.  I wonder if the chair is big or if I’m just THAT used to small spaces now…?

Well, now I’m back off to find yet another something to do.  This has only really killed about 30 minutes of time writing this, and I unfortunately need something more like sour or six times that amount.  *sigh*  Well, I didn’t bring a fully charged PSP and DS for nothing, I suppose! ^_^